Dear Prudence All-in-One
I’m a 40-year-old man who happens to be a virgin and looks very much like Steve Carell (but in Foxcatcher, not in The Office). It’s not that I’m not into girls. I love girls! I dream of fucking a girl! I even bought an issue of Playboy once! The only reason I’ve never had sex is that I’m just too afraid of accidentally fathering a child. Yes, I know that if both the guy and the gal are using birth control that’s very unlikely, but what if the woman is lying about her BC and pokes a hole in my condom while I’m brushing my teeth before s-e-x? You know how women are, you’re one of them, and you’ve even admitted that you got married just to get your husband’s sperm!
Anyhoo, I made a pledge to the Virgin Mary, my patron saint (my middle name is “Mary” and I love Mariah Carey records) that I would share my wonderful gametes by the time I was 45, so time’s running out.
My best friend from way back in kinnygarten is married. Her husband carries a genetic flaw that results in defective kids. Their first two will die before age 20. They had genetic counseling and successfully birthed a third child free from the bad gene. But then her husband went and just had to give baby 3 a bottle while holding her in the front seat while my BFF was driving. They were just riding up to her mom’s house when… well, first, you gotta know that my BFF’s mom is a road safety expert, and she decided to do some testing on braking time for the Prius, which happens to be the car my BFF was driving. So mom stood in the street to find out just when her daughter would brake. Fortunately for the mom, it was in time. But when BFF slammed on the brakes, baby 3 popped out of her husband’s arms and splat onto the windscreen. (I know it’s “windshield”, but doesn’t “windscreen” sound so much posher?)
She decided that she didn’t want to try again for a kid with her husband, since his genetic defects seem to also include a total lack of common sense. She’s asked me to provide my semen for her so she won’t end up alone in her 70s with no child to berate. I’m quite keen on doing it, since I would fulfil my vow to the Virgin without having to… well, you know.
The best part is that she’s willing to pay a lot for my precious bodily fluids, which is great because I have discovered that my employer is getting into the water fluoridation business, which I’m morally opposed to because precious bodily fluids. I want to refuse to cooperate in their nefarious plans so I can get fired and file a whistle-blower case and get rich. Until that happens, I could really use that jizz money to live on.
I’m doing up a checklist to make sure I get all needed information about my BFF before providing her the cup of love and life. One odd thing is that while I’ve known her since childhood, she’s never mentioned her father. I’m now wondering about those strange chain-clanking noises coming from the basement when I went over to play at her house. Another odd thing is that her mother the road-safety expert would do these experiments using a crash-test dummy. One day, I’m sure I heard the crash-test dummy screaming. My question, Prudie is: Should I ask what happened to him, or is it too big a risk to get on the bad side of my future bio-mother-in-law?
No fluoride in MY jizz, thank you!
An “all-in-one” is a piece of creative writing based on a Dear Prudence column from Slate. The goal is to combine all the letters into one that includes key points from each. This all-in-one is based on this column.